The Thousand Deaths of the Fellowship
by trinity4
Summary: No really i love the fellowship! This is just what happens when you watch the movie and read the book a few too many times.....
1. Book 1

Summary: Ever sat and watched a movie and thought, hey they really should have died then! No? Well I have apparently ^__^ btw I love the fellowship and wish them no specific harm (except for a little teensie weensie cold perhaps for Legolas and maybe a bit of poison ivy). So on with the story....  
  
The Thousand deaths of the fellowship, Book 1  
  
~Prologue: The last alliance~  
  
That arrow that flies by Elrond's ear at the start is aimed a little too far to the left:  
  
*pfft* *thunk* a surprised expression freezes on Elrond's face as he stiffly falls forward  
  
Elvan archer: "Ooooo, sorry Elrond"  
  
~Hobbington~  
  
Frodo miscalculates the distance between himself and the cart  
  
Frodo "It's good to see you"  
  
*jump* *thunk* Gandalf continues, running over the hobbit.  
  
* * *  
  
When Gandalf enters Bilbo's hobbit hole and hits his head he is knocked out and goes into a coma. Frodo pulls the plug on him in three weeks.  
  
~On the way to Rivendell~  
  
Aragorn brains Pippin when he tosses that apple on his head  
  
* * *  
  
Bill rolls onto Sam in his sleep, smothering him  
  
~Ford of Bruinen~  
  
Arwen is riding towards the Ford of Bruinen, Frodo in hand.  
  
It is not Ring wraiths that pursue her but a golden haired elf, riding a.....mule?  
  
Glorfindel: 'I'll teach you to steal my horse.....she elf! Asfoloth! Sit. The grey horse obediently sat like a dog, dumping Arwen on the ground where she is trampled to death by Glorfindel's mule.  
  
* * *  
  
At the Ford Arwen summons the flood. As the last of the Ring wraiths are swept away Elrond steps from behind the bushes and starts to drag her away by the ear.  
  
Elrond: "What did I tell you about stealing people's parts"  
  
He tosses her into the flooding river "That's that then"  
  
  
  
~The gate of Rivendell~  
  
Boromir arrives at Rivendell, his horse throws him and stomps on his head for good measure  
  
~Rivendell~  
  
Boromir pays with the shards of Narsil and cuts himself "Still sharp" Little did you know that ancient sword was swarming with Bacteria and Boromir dies from infection a few weeks later.  
  
* * *  
  
Aragorn accidentally knocks Arwen off bridge in big love scene  
  
"You cannot give me this" "It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my." *Thwack* "Aarrrrrrrgh"  
  
* * *  
  
At Imladris, Elrond is looking pensively out of a window. Glorfindel comes up behind him, yawns and puts his arm around his shoulders. Elrond sighs "I said * no* Glorfindel" He picks up a letter opener and stabs him in the chest. "This is the exact same reason you lost your part" he tells the gurgling elf  
  
* * *  
  
Elrond "Gandalf I said no, why can't people understand! I don't have those kind of feelings for you!" "Well if I can't have you no one can"  
  
He turns him into a ham and cheese sandwich.  
  
  
  
~Council of Elrond~  
  
At the council of Elrond, Leggie jumps up and claims Aragorn is Isildeur's heir  
  
"This is Isildeur's heir?" Boromir asks incredulously. He promptly unsheathes his sword and runs Aragorn though.  
  
"What, he was Isildeur's heir. The bastard stole the ring!" he says to the council. Legolas, angry that his next line was interrupted, stabs Boromir in the back with one of his knives.  
  
* * *  
  
Elrond, far from amused that the hobbits crash the secret council, has them executed for espionage rather than letting them join the fellowship.  
  
* * *  
  
At the council of Elrond one of those animated (yeah right) elders of Gondor falls stiffly forward onto the ground in the middle of Elrond's speech. Boromir sets him up again on the chair while the rest of the council looks on.  
  
"Oh don't worry about him" Boromir says in response to the stares "They aren't real..they're stuffed." He knocks one on the head for effect. "I just brought them so it would look like I was a big shot you know..with like followers?"  
  
Elrond: "Well now you mention it Figwit here is fake too" He knocks the elf over the head, "See?" Figwit starts to object but Elrond hauls him over his shoulder To prove his point Elrond throws the elf off the cliff. Random other elf: "Actually, that one was real, it's this one that is fake" he says pointing beside him "Oh" says Elrond. Gurgling can be heard from the bottom of the cliff............then all is silent.  
  
* * *  
  
When Legolas gets up to speak he trips on his poncho and hits his head on the pedestal holding the ring.  
  
* * *  
  
Gimli hits the ring with his axe, which shatters, a piece lodges into Gimli's brain and he falls down dead, Elrond sweeps him behind a bush and continues the meeting.  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas brings his bow to the council of Elrond, playing with while Elrond delivers his speech. He accidentally kills two random elves, and Sam, who was hiding in the bushes. As an arrow lands in Elrond's chair just between his legs, he orders Legolas be carried away to the dungeons. Figwit looks on reprovingly.  
  
* * *  
  
Figwit, upset by all the arguing in the council kills everyone and then pawns off the ring.  
  
  
  
~Rivendell~  
  
When Bilbo makes a lunge for the ring he impales himself on Sting which Frodo is still holding.  
  
~Hollen? Is this where this is supposed to be, the rocks where they spot the Crebain in any case~  
  
When the hobbits are mock fighting with Boromir and the man accidentally hurts Pippin "Sorry" But apologies are no use and both hobbits fall on him... stabbing him to death.  
  
~ Caradhras ~  
  
Boromir puts down Merry and Pippin and they sink through the snow and out the other side of the ledge they are on. "You morooooooooooooonn" can be heard on the wind as they fall to their respective dooms.  
  
* * *  
  
Boromir Pushes Aragorn off the mountain "King indeed!" he says while dusting his hands off.  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas after his "there is a fell voice on the air" is blown away by a gust of wind. "Remind me to anchor the elf next time" Aragorn shouts to Gandalf  
  
* * *  
  
Still on Caradhras , Aragorn and Boromir get into the hobbit's 'weed' They soon begin to see poka doted twister playing ring wraiths and jump off a cliff.  
  
* * * As they are returning down Caradhras Legolas gives Gimli a little shove. Gimli starts rolling down the hill and is soon a large white ball of snow "Oh, am I bad?"  
  
~Outside Moria~  
  
The watcher in the water at the gates of Moria eats Bill unnoticed by the rest of the fellowship  
  
* * *  
  
Aragorn, encouraged by multitudes of slashfic decides to try his luck with Legolas. The next day his body is found with three arrows sticking out of his chest.  
  
  
  
............  
  
Ok now lets recount the number of times we have killed members of the fellowship and their significant others.  
  
Elrond: 1, Frodo: 1, Gandalf: 2, Pippin: 2, Sam: 3, Arwen: 3, Aragorn: 4, Boromir: 5, Glorfindel: 1, Merry: 1, Figwit: 1, Legolas:1, Gimli: 2, Bilbo: 1, Bill: 1, Random elves: 2, Everyone at the Council of Elrond with the exception of Figwit: 1  
  
Ok so the winner so far is....drum roll please...Boromir, poor little Boromir, death seems to like him too much.....  
  
I'm planning to get some serious elf chick killing done in the next chapter, if I write one. Cause those birds really got up my nose. 


	2. Book 2

The thousand deaths of the fellowship, Book Two.  
  
Summary: Well here is the second part of my oh so sadistic "The thousand deaths of the fellowship" There was plenty more killing to be done, so here it is............  
  
  
  
~Balin's tomb~  
  
Boromir leans a little too far outside that door in Balin's tomb  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
As Legolas throws and axe to Boromir to block the door in Balin's tomb.  
  
"Aaaarghh! Gurgle gurgle"  
  
"Oops, sorry, handle first, handle first" Legolas says smacking his forehead.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Pippin, terribly depressed at Gandalf's comment, *does* throw himself down the well  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Frodo thinks the mithril will make him look fat and so doesn't' wear it into Moria  
  
  
  
~On the run in Moria~  
  
Instead of pulling Boromir back from the edge when running from the Balrog, Legolas continues on and smacks into the man of Gondor.....they both fall over the edge.  
  
  
  
~On the broken bridge in Moria~  
  
Gimli: "Not the beard!" Legolas: "Alright" Legolas lets go and Gimli falls to his death ^__^  
  
  
  
Still on the bridge..... Aragorn throws Sam across........ Legolas misses the hobbit and Sam falls to his death. Legolas "I wasn't ready; throw me another one...."  
  
* * *  
  
As bridge begins to collapse and Aragorn and Frodo are still on other side.......... Aragorn: "I can make this" He starts to get a run up and falls down into nothingness ala Homer Simpson in the 3D episode "Do'h!"  
  
* * *  
  
~In dwarven hall in moria~  
  
Gandalf: "A Balrog. A demo....."  
  
Legolas "oh no you don't!"  
  
Legolas steps up behind the wizard and stabs him in the back. Straightening out his tunic and composing himself he points at the end of the hall. "Ai, Ai, a Balrog, A Balrog is come!" As the fellowship flees he kicks Gandalf's corpse "Nobody steals my lines"  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
~The Bridge of Khazad-dum~  
  
Gimli's beard spontaneously catches on fire and he rolls of the bridge in an attempt to put it out.  
  
  
  
~Outside Moria (the other side)~  
  
After the escape from Moria  
  
Aragorn: "Where's Frodo"  
  
Frodo is running back into Moria  
  
"I'll save you Gandalf!"  
  
  
  
~Lothlorien~  
  
Haldir "The dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot him in the dark"  
  
Aragorn starts to talk to Haldir but is interrupted when the elf falls down dead. There is a distinctly Mirkwood looking arrow in his back "Poncy little twit" says Legolas in defence  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas accidentally spills jug of water on Galadriel "Nooooooooooooo I'm melting, meeeeeeeelllllllllllting"  
  
* * * Frodo looks into the mirror of Galadriel. He sees the elvan queen kissing him passionately  
  
"I know what it is you have seen, for it is also in my mind" she winks at him Frodo runs away in terror and trips down the stairs, falling to his death.  
  
* * * Galadriel goes all green  
  
"ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DISPAIR!"  
  
Suddenly Sam leaps from behind and severs her head off  
  
"Oh that was close, wasn't it Mr Frodo. What was that?"  
  
Aragorn rushes forward  
  
"Grammy?" he whimpers  
  
  
  
~Somewhere in the wilds~  
  
Legolas' body is found mysteriously with an axe buried in his back. The fellowship is puzzled  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Merry annoyed that Pippin gets all the attention stags a murder suicide.  
  
* * *  
  
After eating only lembas for weeks on end the fellowship contract and die from scurvy  
  
* * *  
  
Gimli is just standing there when a minivan falls out of the sky and crushes him *Authoress dusts off her hands * "eheheh"  
  
* * *  
  
Boromir misplaces the Horn of Gondor. After trying to replace it with a kazoo, a harmonica, a French horn and a tuba, he kills himself out of grief  
  
~Amon hen~  
  
"A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind." Aragorn suddenly becomes enraged and kills Legolas "Huh, steal * my * line would you."  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas kills Aragorn after he kisses Boromir  
  
"You said you loved me you clod!"  
  
* * *  
  
What remains of the fellowship after Boromir's death forgets about elvan sleeping habits and, mistaking Legolas for dead they decide to throw him over the falls.  
  
*Aragorn chucks Legolas in the boat on top of Boromir. *  
  
"Ouch"  
  
"What was that?" asks Gimli  
  
"Oh bodies make all kinds of noises, gas escaping and so forth" replied Aragorn  
  
*They push the boat down into the river *  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhh....." is heard as the boat goes over the falls  
  
Gimli looks at Aragorn  
  
"Escaping gas" he replies  
  
  
  
* * * -Some time later-  
  
"Wait a second Aragorn, don't elves sleep with their eyes open?"  
  
"Oh yeah"  
  
"Shouldn't you have known that since you lived with elves all those years?"  
  
"Oh, I forgot"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok, deathroll  
  
  
  
Boromir: 4, Pippin: 2, Frodo: 4, Legolas: 3, Gimli: 3, Sam: 1, Aragorn: 2, Gandalf: 1, Haldir: 1, Galadriel: 2, Merry: 1, The entire fellowship: 1. It would appear to be a tie between Boromir and the Ringbearer. Look out soon for my next chapter: The extended death of the fellowship 


	3. The extended deaths of the fellowship

The 1000 deaths of the fellowship, the estended death of the fellowship.  
  
Authors note: yep I'm bizarrely back, but not with TTT but the extended edition since I feel it needed a mention.  
  
~Hobbington~  
  
Sam kills random drunken hobbit #11 in a jealous rage after it hits on Rosie.  
  
~Midgewater Marshes~  
  
Sam sinks into the swamp after one to many helpings of shepards pie.  
  
~Rivendell- Gilraen (Aragorn's mother)'s grave~  
  
Aragorn is kneeling before the grave as Lord Elrond approaches  
  
"She thought in Rivendell you would be safe..."  
  
*The statute above Gilraen's grave falls on Aragorn, crushing him to his death*  
  
"Apparantly she was wrong"  
  
~Rivendell Gates~  
  
Frodo: "Mordor Gandalf? Is it left or right?"  
  
Gandalf: "Right"  
  
*Frodo turns right and promptly falls inot a very large, deep hole*  
  
Gandalf: "Oh wait, I meant left"  
  
~Lothlorien treetops~  
  
Aragorn is arguing with Haldir, getting a tad enthusiastic he gives the elf a small shove....resulting in the elf falling off the ledge and to his death hundreds of feet below. Aragorn peers over the edge and stamps his foot.  
  
"Damn! That's the forth time that's happened to me today"  
  
"I wonder why they wont let us in" replies Legolas sarcastically  
  
~Lothlorien departure scene~  
  
Legolas: "Lembas, elvish waybread, one small bite can fill the stomach of a grown man."  
  
Merry (to Pippin): "How many did you eat?"  
  
Pippen: "Four"  
  
*They do the 'full hobbit burp thing', and then a surprised look briefly passes over their faces and they explode, spreading hobbit and Lembas all over the Aduin.*  
  
*Two random Lorien elves approach and view the carnage*  
  
Random Lorien elf #1: Another Lembas/Hobbit related death  
  
Random Lorien elf #2: When *will* they learn?  
  
Deathroll: Sam: 2, Aragorn: 1, Frodo: 1, Haldir: 1, Pippin: 1, Merry: 1. Well strangely today it would appear Sam is the winner. o_O ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
TTT preview/ trailer  
  
Aragorn slams open the doors dramatically and starts his rugged ranger walk down the hall. The doors bounce back on their hinges and slam back into the ranger  
  
*squish*  
  
Theoden winces. 


End file.
